Talk Me Through It: How to Write a Sex Scene (and make it good)

Writing quality sex scenes can be daunting. The emotional stakes are high, your characters have their own ideas, and you can't please everyone. Pick up any book, and you will find a slew of reviews telling you it's the hottest thing they've read since Fifty Shades of Grey. Then, if you scroll down a little further in the reviews, there will be someone complaining that the "spice" (I hate this word, but we'll talk about that some other time) is lackluster and disappointing.

At the end of the day, no two people are going to have the same reaction, but there are a few tips and tricks I use to make those tender moments feel real, connected, and pleasurable.

Heads up, beyond this point, the verbiage may be graphic. If that's not your jam, this may not be the guide for you. This advice is geared towards romance writers. Examples are given as male/female, as that is what I write most.

Now.......

Audience & POV

First, consider your audience. For most romance writers, this will be women. Largely, women between the ages of 18-45. For those of us writing male/male romance ("MM"), I'd argue the actual audience remains mostly women, but maybe your ideal audience is men. In any case, it is important to consider who your readers are, as this will affect what they find most stimulating. For example, a lengthy blowjob scene may be less appealing to a female audience. However, with a certain amount of interiority, just about anything can become appealing, but you must first know your audience in order to frame the experience to their tastes.

One of the simplest examples is a cultural nuance for Black romance. Most Black women do not receive the word "cock" well. It is not something in our cultural lexicon, and because of that, it can be jarring to read and ultimately pull the reader out of the story. So most Black romance writers don't use this word.

If you're not sure what your audience likes, Google it. Reddit is a great resource for candid discussions about sex and pleasure. The communities there are more than willing to answer questions, and even if you're uncomfortable posing questions, it is highly probable that someone has already asked the question you're looking to answer. So I'd encourage you to spend some time poking around different subreddits to get a sense of the most common themes.

When considering your audience, you must also consider your niche. Are you writing dark romance? Is there kink involved? Are you writing fantasy or historical romance or erotica? Each of these may mean that the common rules of engagement do not apply. But you can still shape the core aspects of a good sex scene to fit any sub-genre.

3. The 4 Cs

Setting aside the taboo and dark romance categories, the tenets of any good sex scene depend largely on the tenets of good sex. Now, that is not to say that if you haven't had good sex, you cannot write good sex, only that the common threads hold true in both reality and fiction.

By and large, good sex requires the 4 things:

1. Consent;

2. Connection;

3. Communication; and

4. Climax (I know what you're thinking — "But Moreau, what about edging and denied pleasure?" To that I say, Savannah, slow down...we'll get there.)

1. CONSENT - How do we know both parties are willing?

When I say consent, I don't necessarily mean:

"Can I fuck you, now?"

"Yes, please."

Although that is absolutely an option, and one that works very well under the right circumstances.

a. WORDS

But consent can be either explicit or implicit. Explicit may look like the lines above, and in some cases it may just be a simple, breathless, "Please..." or "I need you."

b. ACTIONS

Implicit consent often relies on physical communication and/or interiority. See the section on communication for more detail on how to establish a physical language between your characters, but it may look like a command followed by enthusiastic compliance, or a gesture of invitation—legs parting, eyes lowering, hands slipping toward places they shouldn't be. There are a hundred ways to say "Yes" without ever uttering a word.

c. THOUGHTS

Now, if you are writing dark romance and you're looking to toe the line, or you're writing Regency-era romance and candid conversation about sex is outside the cultural norm, or whatever other thing that keeps your characters from having clear communication, you can rely on interiority.

Perhaps the male main character ("MMC") does not ask permission. Perhaps no words are spoken at all. How do your readers know this encounter is consensual? In this instance, the female main character's interiority becomes essential. If you can demonstrate her state of mind and her enthusiasm, the question of permission becomes less grey.

Interiority is almost always needed to bolster the connection (as we'll see shortly), but be careful not to add too much. If we're spending too much time in the character's head than we are in the moment, it will take the reader out of the story/bog down the momentum of the scene.

In my opinion, the best kind of sex scenes implement one or more consent techniques.

2. CONNECTION - Who are these people? What is their dynamic? Who are they to each other?

This is probably the most difficult piece of the 4Cs. If only because it typically requires laying groundwork long before we reach the bedroom. But not always.

Connection can come in many forms. Strangers, friends, enemies, what have you. But what is most important about this element is that this connection is established. Your reader needs to know who these people are to each other before we get to the bedroom. Their relationship establishes context for the sexual interaction, and is often more important than the sexual interaction itself.

After all, a stalker MMC slipping a hand around the FMC's throat has a different connotation than when her best friend of 12 years does it. It also has a different connotation if the MMC has promised to never touch our FMC. And suddenly, the relationship starts to take shape, given that the FMC's been dreaming about this exact moment ever since they met.

Displaying all of this takes planning, and building the connection can happen in many ways. Physical actions, conversations, even thoughts. I won't get into the weeds on how to do this (perhaps we'll save that for another conversation), but the bottom line is that we must establish a character relationship.

Without it, our sex scenes just become bodies touching. There is a market for such a thing, but realistically, even erotica provides some context. It doesn't have to be legnthy, but it does need to be there.

3. COMMUNICATION - What information is passing between your characters? What information is passing to your reader?

Once you've established the dynamic and the connection, the next thing is to sort out communication. At the end of the day, sex is nothing if not a dialogue. Bodies acting and reacting to one another. An exchange of sorts. And I find this to be even more true when we're talking about sex on page.

Sex scenes must be choreographed, particularly if they are of the more explicit variety. But it is not enough to simply act it out. (Maybe if you are writing erotica, it is. But that's not the focus here.) Romance hinges on emotional connection, and communication is a great tool to strengthen that connection. This is why "talk me through it" is so popular.

Not sure what to say? This Reddit thread has a million ideas: Dirty Talk

But communication need not always be verbal.

Writers are often told to avoid telegraphing movements (e.g., His hand slid down my thighs, stopping just short of my knee, and forcing my legs to part.). The concern is that this often sounds like stage direction, and we are not on a stage. But when it comes to explicit sex scenes, this kind of "stage direction" can do a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to communication. Take the below, for example.

His head falls back along the chair, fingers tightening their hold on my hair as his hips buck, pushing himself deeper down my throat.

The visual, while stimulating, also communicates a simple concept: Our MMC is enjoying this. In fact, he wants more.

When you establish a strong connection between your characters, you can even develop a sort of shorthand for sexual communication. For example:

She drew her bottom lip between her teeth, the way she does when she wants something but is too afraid to ask.

Of course, you can just drop this in at the moment it's needed, but this technique works best when you lay the breadcrumbs first. Show the characters learning each other's behavior and habits in a lower-stakes environment and have them reach for this knowledge in the heat of the moment.

Another option is literal shorthand. Code words, safe words, signals. My fantasy romance, Celestial Bodies: The Sun Serpent's Daughter, features a mostly deaf MMC, Apollo. As a result, he and the FMC, Celeste, develop a tactile communication system for when they are having sex because he cannot hear her if she speaks aloud. The options are endless.

Now, beyond the immediate communication in the scene itself, a strong, emotional sex scene will also communicate something more broadly. Either to the characters, to our reader, or between the characters themselves. Maybe our FMC realizes she is safe with our MMC. Maybe our MMC no longer feels like the monster he's always believed himself to be. Maybe the reader (through past interiority) understands that the MMC is professing his love through submission. Continuing to build the connection through sex. Those are the moments that make a sex scene go from good to great.

4. CLIMAX - How does the scene peak?

I know what you're thinking. Not every sex scene needs a finish! And you'd be correct. This aspect of the 4Cs is not about a physical climax. Although it can be, it's rather the climax of the scene.

As with the overarching story, you can generally follow the standard rising action and falling action path. But your climax can look like many things.

The easiest way to check this box is the most obvious way. A character, or both characters, or all three characters (idk what ya'll be writin') reach completion. It could be an interruption or the introduction of a conflict—someone knocks on the door or the moment is broken by high emotions. Someone confesses their love aloud on accident. It could even be an epiphany.

Nenia Campbell has an infamous moment in one of her books where the FMC discovers that the MMC is actually the villain while they're having sex for the first time (Raise the Blood). That's one hell of a climax.

The point is this: the tension should culminate into something. Not necessarily an orgasm, but something of value to either our characters or the story.

Summary

As with all writing advice, these are not hard and fast rules. Do what makes sense for your characters, your story, and your genre. But if you are just starting out or having trouble writing sex scenes that feel natural and grounded, this framework is a good place to start. I'd say once you master this, feel free to start breaking rules.

Now that I've gotten the hang of building the connection and tension, I like to end scenes early sometimes. When used sparingly, it is a great way to further entice readers while also continuing to build the momentum of the story.

I hope this helps you to feel more confident as you write. Check back soon for a conversation on building real and lasting chemistry between your characters. In the meantime...

Have fun, look good, don't die!

R. A. Moreau